Idiotic Episodes 3

THE SUPER MARIO BROS. SUPER SHOW
The Legend of Zelda: Cold Spells

Hey everyone! Well, spring is right around the corner, so you know what that means. That's right, spring cleaning! Time to dust, wipe, and vacuum away all the filth and grime that's built up over the winter. (or in some cases, the entire year.) So in keeping with this theme, I'm going to review an episode of The Legend of Zelda that's all about spring cleaning. (It has ABSOLUTELY nothing to do with the fact that I'm starting a new season of The Legend of Zelda: The Stern and the Strong today...) Before I do though, let's get some basic information about this series down.

On september 4th 1989, The Super Mario Bros. Super Show premiered, a show based on the first two Super Mario Bros. games for the NES. The show's formula was that we'd start a live-action sitcom showing Mario and Luigi's life before coming to the Mushroom Kingdom, then we'd get a cartoon of them stopping King Bows- oh sorry, KOOPA's latest evil scheme, and then we'd end on the live-action brothers solving whatever dilemma they had before. It wasn't exactly a great show, but for a kids show from the late 80's, it was pretty harmless. But on Fridays, instead of a Mario cartoon sandwiched between the live-action bits, we'd get a cartoon based on the NES classic The Legend of Zelda, where our heroes Link and Zelda must protect the Triforce of Wisdom from falling into the hands of the evil wizard Ganon, who has the Triforce of Power, as the opening of every episode is keen to tell us. Again, not a great cartoon, but still enjoyable for its time.

FYI, we're not going to be looking at the Mario Brothers sitcom stuff that accompanies this episode. Why? A, they don't add anything to the story I want to talk about (yeah, the live-action stuff rarely, if ever, has anything to do with the cartoon they show. This is most noticeable when a Christmas live-action bit and a Christmas cartoon are in completely different episodes), and B, I don't have it. The DVD I own of the show doesn't have all of the live-action stuff in it, which means this isn't really a complete set as the box implies. Meh, from what I looked up the live-action stuff didn't sound that great anyway, just basketball star Magic Johnson teaching the Mario Brothers his tricks. Huzzah. So without any more stalling for time, let's ride off to Hyrule and look at The Legend of Zelda episode, “Cold Spells.”

We open on springtime at Hyrule Castle, where Link is once again making moves on Princess Zelda.

“Zelda: Well, it's the first day of Spring. Do you know what that means Link?

Link: Sure do. *picks flower and hands it to Zelda* It means love is blooming.”

Pepe Le Pew would be proud...

“Zelda: And are you feeling strong and brave and noble?

Link: You bet!

Zelda: Good, because its time for Spring cleaning! This castle needs to be scrubbed from top to bottom, and you're going to help.”

Zelda reveals that its time to do some spring cleaning around the castle, and makes Link do it. Glad to see she's not abusing her power or anything...

“Link: Hah, cleaning. Hah, if Zelda thinks she can order me to mop this place she's got another thing coming.

Link: I'll look her right in the eye and... eye, heh heh heh... *in fake nasally voice* I'll pretend to be sick. Achoo!”

Pretend to be sick? Link, defender of Hyrule, keeper of the Triforce of Courage, manchild who calls in sick to get out of work!

In comes Sprite the fairy, who's voice sounds like a chipette on helium. God help us if she ever got into a rap battle with Navi...

“Sprite: Bless you Link! Are you feeling okay?

Link: *in fake nasally voice* Oh sure, I'm okay. I'll get my mopping done best I can... Achoo!... even though I have a cold.”

And because Sprite has a brain the size of a pea (literally), she quickly buys Link's sick act.

We cut to Zelda looking through Link's room (again, abusing your position much?), who is unamused by Link's dirty laundry.

“Zelda: Link's Quarter is disgusting!

Triforce: ORDERLY WAYS DO NOT MAKE ONE BRAVE, AND NEATNESS DOES NOT A KINGDOM SAVE.”

Why is it the mystical equivalent of a fortune cookie is the only voice of reason right now?

“Zelda: But still, it offends my royal nose when I must smell these stinky clothes!”

Zelda's rhyming now too? Who wrote this episode, Dr. Seuss?

Just as Zelda opens a window to get some air from the allegedly smelly laundry, some eagle monster swoops in to try and steal the Triforce of Wisdom for Ganon. Zelda then subdues the creature by... suffocating it with Link's dirty clothes? Um, are we sure Ganon's the real bad guy?

She lays on Link's bed after that, and then Link comes in and... this happens.

“Link: Oh boy, smooching time!

*Link leaps onto bed, while Zelda gets away*

Zelda: Don't try that again, buster!”

Our hero everyone! When he's not playing sick to get out of chores, he's attempting to rape royalty!

But Zelda is surprisingly forgiving of this when Sprite informs her of Link's (fake) cold.

“Zelda: He seemed pretty energetic a minute ago.

Sprite: No, he's sick and he needs rest and loving care!

Zelda: Okay, I still think he's faking it, but he can stay in bed. You, however, have to get back to work. You've got a lot of cleaning left to do.”

You know he's faking being sick, but you're just gonna let him get away with it? Also, way to make the three-inch fairy do all the work!

Cut to the Underworld, where the bird from before tells Ganon that Zelda's doing spring cleaning, which apparently gives him an idea on how to steal the Triforce of Wisdom.

“Ganon: Time for me to clean out the castle, and get the Triforce that will make me ruler of all Hyrule!”

Patton: You magnificent bastard, I read your book!

Ganon summons a giant bug out of the Evil Jar (creative name, huh?), and then teleports himself onto it, sending the bird away. Couldn't he have just climbed onto the bug? Why is this version of the dark lord so obsessed with teleporting? Maybe this is where Twilight Sparkle's teleporting habit came from...

Back at Hyrule Castle, we see that everyone else in town has joined in on spring cleaning. Ooh, are we gonna get a song with this?

O-Town Citizens: Spring cleaning!
Spring Cleaning!
We deodorize and sanitize and harmonize too!

Anyway, Ganon sees Sprite cleaning an old rug, so he decides to soup up her magic as a distraction? Great plan pig-face, why don't you give Link steroids while you're at it?

But we can't get into Ganon's shenanigans yet, we need another scene to pad out the thinly-written episode! Sprite gives Link an orange, while he's playing knight in his bedroom?

“Link: Take that Ganon! *swings sword, then kicks chair* And this!”

Wouldn't that be like Captain Kirk playing astronaut? Anyway, Sprite leaves and Link declares that he's gonna keep playing sick until spring cleaning is done. NEXT.

After that scene, we cut right to the exact same shot of Sprite cleaning the rug before Ganon zapped her. So, the scene where she visits Link? Completely pointless. Thanks DiC.

Zelda calls Sprite in to clean her own bedroom, while Zelda goes off to do who knows what. (Knowing how she's abused her power so far, I'm guessing she's just gonna lay down in a hammock)

“Sprite: Work work work! Well, that's what magic's for!”

Sprite uses her magic to bring the buckets and brooms to life, which then begin to flood the place. Either that or Mickey's goofing around with the sorcerer's hat again...

“Sprite: Aaah!

Link: that sounded like Sprite!

*Cut to outside, where Ganon is watching*

Ganon: Hah! My magic is working just as I planned!”

You planned on Sprite using her magic to recreate a scene from Fantasia?

Link goes to check on the young fairy, only to get thrown about by a ton of water.

“Link: IIIII should have stayed in Bed!”

Arnold Perlstein: I knew I should have stayed home today!

“Link: Is that what they call a Royal Flush?”

… *cricket noises*

“Zelda: Spare me the jokes.”

Spare US the jokes!

So while Zelda and Link go to help Sprite, Ganon goes to steal the Triforce.

“Ganon: The Triforce of Wisdom is mine! When combined with my own Triforce, it will make me ruler of all Hyrule!”

We know Ganon, they tell us this at the beginning of every episode! Hell, you said the same thing earlier!

So our heroes go to save Sprite, who is still in trouble.

“Link: My gosh!

Zelda: My room!

Sprite: My life!”

Stan Smith: My Eyes! My mouth! My back! My begonia! My Sherona! My Best Friend's Wedding! Aah, my eyes again!

Link and Zelda stop the Fantasia invasion, or rather, Link defeats one feather-duster but then quickly gets subdued while Zelda has to save him. So, why do they need Link again?

“Zelda: What happened here?

Sprite: Uh, well, I cleaned the doormat outside, and then I came in here to do my cleaning magic, and everything went crazy!

Zelda: Ganon!

Link: The Triforce!"

They got that from 'Everything went crazy?' Even Sherlock Holmes would be confused by this!

So they go after Ganon to get the Triforce back, but he escapes into the Underworld. Luckily Link knows a shortcut, which just happens to be a tree with a secret door. Hey, good idea Link, we can ask the Gummi Bears for help!

They travel through a tunnel with evil roots, where Zelda gets captured and Link saves her. Then Link gets captured again and Zelda saves him. For those keeping score, we have two points for Zelda and one for Link.

They fall into a trap door, which happens to lead into a giant fishbowl in the middle of Ganon's lair.

“Ganon: Hmm, we have visitors.”

So, did Ganon just put that glass jar there on the off-chance that someone would fall into it?

“Link: Let me out of here and we'll see who laughs last, hog-face!

“Ganon: Strong enough to hold even the most impetuous hero. Too bad you won't be around long enough to appreciate its finer qualities, hahahaha!”

You know, despite that glass supposedly being magic-proof, it can apparently be pierced by the bottom of Link's sword. Oh POS Dic animation, you never let us down!

Ganon calls one of his monsters in to serve it hero under glass, but apparently its also monster-proof. Ganon didn't think this through, did he?

Luckily, Sprite was following them, so she uses her still souped-up magic to try and help.

“Sprite: Link's in trouble! Maybe my magic will do something!”

She zaps the monster, which doesn't do anything, but the monster ends up pulling Link out of the fishbowl. Thanks Sprite, I guess...

So a silly fight ensues, with Link tricking Ganon into destroying his own monster, while Sprite... uses magic to destroy the glass? Guys, some consistency would be nice!

Zelda shoots an arrow at Ganon (again, she seems pretty competent. Why do we need Link?), who then shoots fire which causes the entire place to crumble around them. What is this, Kim Possible?

“Link: Zelda, Sprite, let's get out of here!

Zelda: *reaching to grab Triforce of Power* Wait, if we can get the other Triforce...

Link: No time! *grabs Zelda and runs away*”

Oh come on, there was plenty of time to grab the other Triforce! Oh right, this series would be over if anyone used their brain or acted quickly. Never mind...

“Link: Alls well that ends well. It'll keep Ganon busy for a while cleaning up the wreckage of his throne room.”

Yeah, Ganon will be busy for a whole week! Just in time for the newest episode next Friday!

“Sprite: Well at least we can rest for a while.

Zelda: That's what you think. Its still Spring Cleaning time, and we're starting with my room!

*Zelda pushes Link and Sprite off screen*

Link: *in fake nasally voice* But I have a cold coming on.

Sprite: Achoo! Me too...

Zelda: Get moving!”

Hahaha, oh Link you scamp! Hahahaha! ...God that was stupid...

So that was “Cold Spells,” and boy was it silly. The animation was terrible, the story was padded a lot, and the Villain's “plan” seemed to just be him making it up as he went. But the worst crime committed was that Link really sucked in this episode. I know he wasn't exactly a knight in shining armor in other episodes, but he was at least somewhat competent. Here though, The Princess and the fairy get more done than him while he just struggles to stand his ground. Despite all of this though, the episode was mostly pretty harmless (despite Link's attempted rape), and I did enjoy the show's versions of music tracks from the game. Its just a dumb but enjoyable cartoon from the 80's. Going off to play the actual game, this is mariomaster88, signing out!