Idiotic Episodes 31

ADVENTURES OF SONIC THE HEDGEHOG
The Fastest Thing in Time, Part 4: Prehistoric Sonic


Hey everyone, and welcome to the final part of my very first:

MULTI-PART MARCH

We come to the fourth part of Sonic's adventures through time, where Sonic goes to the prehistoric age... for about 8 minutes. Why then is it worth naming the episode that? ...It isn't, it really isn't. But I'm kind of getting ahead of myself, so let's end Multi-Part March by speeding into "Prehistoric Sonic."

We open on where we left off last time, Robotnik and the bots mummified in the middle of some World War 1-esque dogfight getting shot at. They crash into the ground and are about to be set upon by a tank, until Robotnik tears off his bandages (great job tying him up, Sonic...), and sets the time machine on its way. Within the vortex, Robotnik gets an urge to exposit.

"Robotnik: To get the chaos emerald of life, you fool! With it, I can bring anything to life, even dead-heads like you!"

So, here's a weird parallel I thought of when working on this mini-series. One of the emeralds makes you invisible, like the Invisibility Cloak, two of them make you pretty much unbeatable, like the Elder Wand, and the last has power over life, like the Reconstruction Stone. This is a story about Dr. Robotnik going after the Deathly Hallows. Voldemort would be proud!

So while Robotnik is on his way to obtain power over life and death, we cut to that same friggin' beach where Tails is looking for Sonic wishing to go surfing. He happens upon some bunnies playing volleyball, where they're bonking around a curled-up Sonic.

Mike Wazowski: Oh yeah, I was the fastest one out there. Course I was the ball!

So while Sonic receives more bonking from the bunny girls...

Quagmire: Giggity.

...the Professor shows up to warn Sonic and Tails once more about Robotnik's time-travel shenanigans, while also showing off his newly upgraded time machine.

"Professor: I've reworked the time surfboard, made it smaller and faster.

Tails: A time-travelling skateboard!? Way cool!"

Skateboard? Eh, after police boxes and DeLoreans, why not?

Our heroes take the skateboard back in time to 75 Million years ago, where we see Robotnik go after the emerald.

"Robotnik: According to history, the chaos emerald of life was ejected from that volcano when it first erupted.

Robotnik: Ooh, and don't forget to bring along the DDD!"

I'd like to, but I can't find that amiibo anywhere! It's driving me nuts!

No, of course he meant 'Dinosaur Detection Device,' which Scratch and Grounder find out as one steps on them. They go after the volcano, but are attacked by a clan of cave bears. (ewoks?) Things look bleak for them, until...

"Robotnik: My robo-transmogrifier will take care of you prehistoric fuzzballs!"

Yes, Robotnik remembers about that ray gun from part 1 (I guess there's another thing that carried over...), and uses it to turn a T-rex into a robot under his command. Seriously, why doesn't he use this more often?

Sonic shows up, and after a short fight actually manages to take the robot T-rex under his command. (okay, we have Sonic the Hedgehog riding a robotic T-rex. This show just got awesome!) He chases Robotnik, who then hitches a ride on a pterodactyl (which he turns into a robot), and flies towards the volcano for the emerald. There, he attempts to free the gem from some rocks, until some kind of lava god arises from the volcano. (Is it worth questioning things at this point?)

"lava god: No-one may have the emerald of life, without first making sacrifice to Magma, the volcano god!"

Took you all day to come up with that name? Also, what is it with volcano gods always wanting sacrifices?

Robotnik gets the idea to sacrifice Scratch and Grounder (which they're against of course), but Sonic and the not-ewoks show up to stop him.

"Sonic: Back off, Ro-butt-nik!

Robotnik: Oh well, I know when I'm licked. I guess I better put my hands up and surrender.

Grounder: Yeah.

Scratch and Grounder: *look at each other in terror before dropped* NOOOOOOOO!"

The two robots fall into the lava, and the volcano starts to rumble, shaking the emerald free. Robotnik takes the emerald for himself, and uses it to create beings from the volcano's lava. (BTW, the rumbling was just to free the emerald, it wasn't erupting) Sonic attacks the lava-men, but it has no effect and they get captured. I feel I should point out that lava's heat is normally so intense that even being near that volcano's top should have killed them all instantly, but whatever...

Sonic and his group are dropped by the lava men into the volcano's mouth (again, wouldn't just being near the lava men kill them?), but Sonic quickly escapes by running along the side, rescuing everyone else. While they fight some more lava men, Scratch and Grounder climb out of the volcano (maybe they saved some rings from the last episode and used those to protect themselves?) and Robotnik grabs them and gets ready to fly off. What happens next?

Colonel Sanders: Prepare ship for ludicrous speed!

Yes, it seems the writers realized "Oh crap, we're running out of time!", so now the pacing has to go super-fast so they can resolve everything. We get a montage of Robotnik going through the other time periods getting the chaos emeralds, each of them only lasting about a minute. This was shown on weekday afternoons from Monday through Friday, why wasn't this a five-parter? Was there some weird issue with the network or something? This was a story that clearly needed an extra part, because now the title "Prehistoric Sonic" means nothing!

Well, after getting the invisible emerald from that treasure chest, Robotnik uses the life emerald to turn the chest into some crab monster while he gets away. And now, it's time!

"Robotnik: Invulnerability, invisibility, immortality, and the power of life! Put them all together, it spells... THE SUPREME HIGH ROBOTNIK, MASTER OF THE UNIVERSE!"

He-Man: I HAVE THE POWEEERRR!

Yes, Robotnik has a super form now. We are all doomed!

Back in the past, Tails uses a lady crab to charm the crab monster into freeing Sonic, and they go back to the present. (but not without a joke about the lady crab chasing the living treasure chest and hitting him with a rolling pin. I knew it wouldn't last...) They attempt to stop the rampaging super-Robotnik, but he grabs them and ties them to the skateboard, with a special fate in mind for them.

"Robotnik: With my supreme powers I won't have to worry about you anymore! How about a nice long vacation, say, back to the beginning of the universe!? AH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!"

My god, he's gonna get them to crash into Yuji Naka's house!

No, that would actually be clever. Instead, they end up right before the big bang, which lest we forget...

Ms. Bitters: Before the big bang, there was NOTHING!

Well, according to this episode there was a gigantic cartoon stick of dynamite. (get it, the big BANG? Hah hah...) They just barely manage to escape from the universal explosion.

"Sonic: We made it!

Tails: Yeah, but how are we gonna stop the Supreme High Robotnik?"

Well, if it were me, I'd unite Black-Bot the Pirate, King Arfer and the Knights of the Hound Table, Masonic and the Hedgehog Mummy, and that tribe of teddy bears together in a massive army against Robotnik, all while using the Mummy's emerald to break through his defenses and bring him down!

Oh, wait, we only have four minutes left to finish the episode. Better go the lazy route! They see themselves going through the time vortex, which gives Sonic the idea to unite himself from five different time periods to stop Robotnik. Again, if only they had a fifth part to work with!

Also, all of the Sonic time copies are flying through the vortex on time skateboards, despite that only recently being built. Did Sonic just keep meeting up with the same one? Eh, whatever...

The five Sonics show up and call Robotnik out, who uses his god-like powers to keep them at bay, such as bringing scaffoldings to life or turning invisible to hide from them. Sadly, since there's little time we don't see him using these powers in any imaginative  way, such as turning invisible and quickly squashing them or bringing the ground to life and swallowing them. They all just attack Robotnik at once (I thought he was supposed to be invincible? Oh wait, he's not wearing a crown, so I guess it's only half the spell!), Sonic takes the emeralds off Robotnik, and then sends his clones off.

"Sonic: See that these chaos emeralds get back to their owners, and destroy Robotnik's time machine when you're done with it.

Sonics 2-5: You can count on us!

Sonic: Of course I can, I am you!"

The other Sonics disappear, and that's the end. Yeah, other than a Sonic Says about not fixing electronics by yourself, that's seriously how this four-parter ends. No look back at everything that's happened before, no consequences for all of their messing with the past, not even a congratulations from Professor Canine-Stein. It just comes to a screeching halt like Sonic about to fall into a pit of spikes!

Alright, for all of my bitching and moaning, is this four-parter really all that bad? No, not really. I did have a lot of fun watching this, and it was nice to get some more references to the games than this show usually gives us. If this had been just a little longer, it would probably go down as one of the best comedic Sonic stories out there, perhaps even rivaling those of SatAM. As it is though, It's just watchable.

Well that's it for my first Multi-Part March! I had fun working on this, and I hope you had fun reading it! Next month though, it's back to basics. So, what am I doing for April?

..."Arnold Betrays Iggy"... ugh. Well, until next time, this is mariomaster88, signing out.